Today as I'm packing to leave I feel like this is the end of it all. I'm going to leave and nothing will ever be the same again. I'm scared of that new world too. Will my existence be even more marginal than it already is? Why am I so determined to till blighted soil and not seek out greener pastures? Each day feels like a struggle to find a purpose or reason for my existence. I wasn't defined by Leia or the people in dfwblogs but their collective loss has left me reeling. I don't know why. They never felt that important to me, certainly they weren't a hegemony over my existence. I can only conclude that it is the weight of every loss in the course of my life that has collapsed on top of me. I look back, and like anyone who is 28, a mesh of souls both living and dead have alighted briefly along my path. Each one giving and taking according to their need or generosity. However, today it feels as though it's all been about leading me to this crossroad in my life.

In The Sheltering Sky Paul Bowles wrote "Because we do not know when we will die we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well and yet everything happens only a certain number of times and a very small number really. How many times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your life that you can't even conceive of your life without it. Perhaps four or five times more? Perhaps not even that. How many times will you watch the full moon rise, perhaps twenty, and yet it all seems so limitless." I think about that quote often. When I first read it I was awed by the idea of how limitless anything can seem. Now I find myself thinking about the small steps. I feel like I'm slowing down and realizing that nothing is limitless. With each step forward I take some part of me decays and becomes useless making it harder to keep going. Now I've reached the point where I feel I can count the steps left. That's what I think when I read that quote now.

I guess I've got some contemplation to do for the trip ahead. I feel really weird. It's a sense of dread mixed with a peaceful resignation. (How's that for some cognitive dissonance?) I really have no idea what will happen. For some reason though, I don't feel like I'll return the same person I left. I've only felt that a few times in my life.

Tonight I saw About Schmidt at the Angelika since they are having a critic's screening tomorrow. Before a critic's screening the Angelika crew watch the movie to make sure it's ready. This is the first time I've gotten to be part of that. It was neat to have the whole building to our small group (10 people or so) and see a movie even before the critics. Shawn even let us fill up on the beverages and popcorn for free.

It's the new Alexander Payne (Citizen Ruth, Election) movie with Jack Nicholson. The IMDB summary is pretty good:

Warren Schmidt (Nicholson) is forced to deal with an ambiguous future as he enters retirement. Soon after, his wife passes away and he must come to terms with his daughter's marriage to a man he does not care for and the failure that his life has become.

The style and the energy is very different from his previous films. Warren isn't the kind of character that energizes a movie the way Tracy Flick, or the warring politicos in Citizen Ruth do. The most animated Warren ever gets is when he is writing his letters to Ndugu his "foster child" in Tanzania. It took me a bit to settle into the pace. As soon as Warren hit the road wandering through the Midwest I knew I'd found a kindred spirit. What has really struck me is that the movie is filled with wonderful details, and the space between those details leaves lots of room for contemplation and enjoyment of the movie beyond it's two hours of screen time.

One of the standout scenes for me is when Warren has dinner with a couple at a campground. Alexander Payne's direction is superb as he creates a creepy mood with camera angles and facial expressions while the dialogue is going in a different direction. He captures perfectly the Midwestern placidness while underneath the characters are nervous and scared. When the credits rolled I was surprised to see that they even had a separate Midwestern casting director. Of course, Payne is from Omaha so it should come as no surprise that he's a thorough study of the character.

I think the movie comes out in limited release in December and wide release in January. While it has a narrative arc for Warren it's really much more character driven. (i.e. no big enemy or crucible driving his actions. It's Warren poking along through life wondering what the future will be and what he's done with his time.) This is definitely one I will be watching at least one or two more times. I also plan to track down the Louis Begley book it's based on. (Although reading about it on Amazon it sounds like the movie is better)

These days are pretty awful. It's not an all the time thing. Although I always have a low grade hurt going on. However, sometimes the hurt swells into a powerful pain that I feel all over. I've learned that talking to people in the house will do nothing to alleviate the pain, it usually just turns into anger and ultimately that causes more pain for me.

However, I have learned how to use the pain. At this stage the aches and the racing thoughts overcome my need to eat. Since this pain is going to be around no matter what it works great at distracting me from the need to eat. I can go at least a day with nothing but water before the hunger pangs overtake the existential/broken relationship pain.

The long and short of this is that I only need to eat once a day. Then when I eat it doesn't even need to be big. In fact, I've noticed that the more regular this becomes the smaller the portions I need to eat to feel full. Also, it probably sounds silly but I actually feel thinner when I'm hungry. This "diet" has actually translated into real weight loss I'm under 200 for the first time since I went over 200. At 6'3" I still have plenty to lose before it would be a problem.

This morning Leia and I sort of had a fight. She agreed that we can't be friends for awhile. Although neither of us were really sure what that meant. It's a decision born from the frustration, hurt and anger that has been our lives recently.

I'm leaving town next tuesday (17th) and won't be back in Dallas till sometime in early October. Tuesday I'm riding up with a friend to Worcester, MA. Hopefully we'll camp in North Carolina somewhere along the way. Then I'll be around Worcester till the 25th. (I'm hoping to hit Boston and maybe New York City while I'm up there.) I'm taking Greyhound down to Huntsville and if all goes according to schedule I'll get there around noon on the 26th. I plan on staying in Huntsville till I buy a car.

Anyone along the way that wants to meetup or get some kind of travel token mailed to you send me an email.

In response to Leia's post:

Oh my god, this self-serving rhetoric is totally gagilicious.

Allow me to paraphrase your pain: "As long as I keep everything bottled up inside and never say what I feel I deceive other people. I tell myself that it's me trying to "make other people happy"...But really, that's just a lie since in actuality it's that I don't have the courage to explore what I'm really feeling and be honest with others."

I don't get it. She breaks up with me. At first I'm relieved, but as time marches on it changes to hurt. I soldier on going my own way and trying to ignore her. Then she cries to me for friendship and understanding. This morning I responded with friendship. Slightly after noon I'm about as interesting to her as last week's donuts. Then tonight she makes fun of me because a small part of me wants her back. (An evil nasty part that was no doubt planted inside me by her during some midnight surgical procedure as I slept) On top of all of it she has the gall to whine about hurting other people (which isn't just me by the way).

Man, some women are just pathetic, selfish bitches. She's a little too full of herself.

This concludes this public service announcement about whiny bitches, and the hurt ex-boyfriends who foolishly believe they have any clue what they mean when they say they want to be friends.

I can't get to sleep and I'm hoping spilling this out makes it better.

These days I seem to be filled with anger, hurt and oblivion. I had this group that I used to like to hang out with. These days they seem more about tearing people down than creating anything new. I wonder if Lauren or Amy ever feel betrayed by some of the gossip from their "friends." Although why do I care? I'm probably just making up stuff to try and understand why I'm so disgusted by the people I used to enjoy spending time with.

I used to think Leia was really great. I remember saying I felt a peace with her that I hadn't felt in a long time. These days she thinks she'll find happiness and wealth convincing her friends to sell and use Isagenix. She also laments that we're not close friends. I wonder what she expected when to use her words she "...put a wall up..." to keep me away. She's happy to hear my inner most thoughts, feelings and desires but she won't tell me anything. I've finally told her I don't need the sycophantic bullshit. I'm not giving her any of my time till she drops the ice queen routine. Although it's not always the cold shoulder sometimes it's the anguished "you were my closest friend I want that back" look. Fuck her.

I'm wondering how I should tell her that she's not pulling her weight with apt minds and hasn't for months. Dave and I think she should sign the appropriate documentation to pull her name from the partnership papers. It's clear that she just wants to be told what to do and doesn't have what it takes to push the company in new directions.

These days has been a good friend. She's like a block and a half away so I can walk. I'm happy to be out of the house and go walk with her. I wish some of the neighborhoods around here weren't so intimidating. Also I never would have guessed this in a million years, but Chrissy (an old girlfriend from a couple years ago that I hadn't talked to till this past July) has been a constant and steady email friend through my travails.

Things got fucked up in August somehow. A couple of weeks ago I was an emotional wreck like I haven't been for a couple years. I've gotten better. Although even now much of my time is spent hurting and being angry. I don't even know what's got me so upset. Leia's wrapped up in it, and the people I used to hang out with.

I feel like Julie and Leia are mistakes for roommates. Julie's so selfish she'll never do anything unless asked, and even then I think she has to be able to see her angle. Leia's so lazy she doesn't have the money to pay all the bills. Although most importantly I just don't like having them here.

Everything got all fucked up in August and I don't know how. Heck I don't even know what I'm angry at. I've got a short list but none of them should be upsetting me as much as they do. Well I'm going down to Austin for a couple days, maybe that will cheer me up. Part of me wants to just tear into Leia. Send her a real nastygram...but if I think about it I don't why I'd do that. She's just sort of there, doesn't do anything.

I was walking to Dave's on a warm Dallas Summer day. Then, about fifty yards ahead of me, a woman was approaching me. She was holding her hands against her face and walking down the sidewalk towards me. The first thing I saw was the t-shirt with Christian iconography on it. The front was pretty much covered by a cartoonish wooden cross that looked like it was about to fall over and crush someone.

When I was close enough I realized she was holding a white washcloth against the left side of her face, maybe where the right hand of someone else had landed. I stopped walking. As she got closer I realized her whole face was puffy and swollen. It looked as though her eyes were about to be swallowed by her cheeks.

"Hey, are you okay?" I said and she just kept walking by and said "Yes, thank you."

Oh this is hilarious, according to this article Bush has spent 42% of his presidency at leisure locations (Camp David, Kennebunkport, and his Texas ranch). For comparison: if you work 5 days a week that means you spend 29% at leisure locations.

Oh and just in case you forget Gore won according to a University of Chicago study. This matters little as both candidates are cretins. I wrote in John Hagelin from the Natural Law party.

I just got out of 24 Hour Party People and I'm blown away. It's about the real Tony Wilson, a TV reporter in Manchester, who went on to help launch bands like Joy Division, New Order and Happy Mondays.

It's an interesting story and the movie tells it like no story has ever been told. The Tony Wilson character is also the narrator for the movie. Then to make it even more self-referential the real Tony Wilson and various other luminaries from the real history play other parts in the movie. As the narrator he not only tells us what has happened and what will happen later in history, but he also knows how the movie is edited together. As the narrator he points out scenes that didn't make it into the final cut that will be in the DVD extras. I can't think of any other movie where it's so self-aware of its medium. Tony Wilson even takes time to point out symbolism in the movie.

I was blown away by the story, the way it's told and the unbelievable craftsmanship that went into making it. Hopefully this movie will be an inspiration to others, the way the first Sex Pistols gig in Manchester was that the film talks about. I've got to see it again.

Christian films, specifically the apocalypse features, have never hit it big in the mainstream. The biggest hit in the genre has been The Omega Code at $12 million. Salon has a neat article about Christian apocalypse films. It focuses on why Christian movies haven't crossed over the way Christian music and books have.

One line that surprised me from the article was this:

The recent Time cover story about apocalypse fever quotes a Boeing employee who decided against upgrading to Windows XP for fear the antichrist might use Microsoft security features to track e-mails sent between Christians.

If you substitute "government" for "antichrist" and "friends" for "Christians" you could describe another segment of the population.

Is this a good sign that as a country that we have so much prosperity and wealth that we can worry about operating system security features when people in other countries worry about just staying alive another day? Maybe the government should have yet another economic index that evaluates success based on the number of asinine complaints people have from day to day.

Sitting in the Raton, NM town park the crusty, old, veteran yelled "GET A DAMN HAIR CUT!" to somebody walking down the street. When I looked up I thought the veteran was about to jump out of the gazebo and beat the guy down. He was really angry. Then a little bit later a couple more guys went walking buy and out came "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" followed with something about his service in the war. I didn't really hear the rest of it. He was really angry though. I thought I was going to see a fight. Except that the two guys kept walking and did their best to ignore him.

What's wrong with this guy? Did he have "Saturday: Yell at people walking by park (Bring lunch)" up on his calendar? The thing that surprised me was how angry he was. Is this how he serves his country now? I hope I don't go down that road. Sniping at people behind their backs on the web is far more productive than yelling at them on the street.

I did it. On my third attempt I summited the tallest peak at the Great Sand Dunes. It's a 750 foot high sand dune. It's more intimidating if you think of it as a 75 story building.

I'd taken the first two peaks before. The second time I tried I made the mistake of not loading up on water and I got really sick when I got to the first peak. This time I had a three egg omelet with green chilies in Raton, NM and water before driving up. It's so dry that when you first start to sweat it evaporates right away and leaves a weird tingling/stinging sensation all over your body.

The moment was rife with metaphors for my life.

This weekend I was in a convenience store bathroom, in a small Texas town in the middle of nowhere while my car is filling up outside and I think..."If I splattered my brains all over the back wall they'd have no idea why." Then I think about the process of identification they'd go through with the body, how their lives might change if only for that day. I wonder if they'd contemplate "Why did he do it?"

Maybe that's what it takes to get them to clean the bathroom.