I can't get to sleep and I'm hoping spilling this out makes it better.

These days I seem to be filled with anger, hurt and oblivion. I had this group that I used to like to hang out with. These days they seem more about tearing people down than creating anything new. I wonder if Lauren or Amy ever feel betrayed by some of the gossip from their "friends." Although why do I care? I'm probably just making up stuff to try and understand why I'm so disgusted by the people I used to enjoy spending time with.

I used to think Leia was really great. I remember saying I felt a peace with her that I hadn't felt in a long time. These days she thinks she'll find happiness and wealth convincing her friends to sell and use Isagenix. She also laments that we're not close friends. I wonder what she expected when to use her words she "...put a wall up..." to keep me away. She's happy to hear my inner most thoughts, feelings and desires but she won't tell me anything. I've finally told her I don't need the sycophantic bullshit. I'm not giving her any of my time till she drops the ice queen routine. Although it's not always the cold shoulder sometimes it's the anguished "you were my closest friend I want that back" look. Fuck her.

I'm wondering how I should tell her that she's not pulling her weight with apt minds and hasn't for months. Dave and I think she should sign the appropriate documentation to pull her name from the partnership papers. It's clear that she just wants to be told what to do and doesn't have what it takes to push the company in new directions.

These days has been a good friend. She's like a block and a half away so I can walk. I'm happy to be out of the house and go walk with her. I wish some of the neighborhoods around here weren't so intimidating. Also I never would have guessed this in a million years, but Chrissy (an old girlfriend from a couple years ago that I hadn't talked to till this past July) has been a constant and steady email friend through my travails.

Things got fucked up in August somehow. A couple of weeks ago I was an emotional wreck like I haven't been for a couple years. I've gotten better. Although even now much of my time is spent hurting and being angry. I don't even know what's got me so upset. Leia's wrapped up in it, and the people I used to hang out with.

I feel like Julie and Leia are mistakes for roommates. Julie's so selfish she'll never do anything unless asked, and even then I think she has to be able to see her angle. Leia's so lazy she doesn't have the money to pay all the bills. Although most importantly I just don't like having them here.

Everything got all fucked up in August and I don't know how. Heck I don't even know what I'm angry at. I've got a short list but none of them should be upsetting me as much as they do. Well I'm going down to Austin for a couple days, maybe that will cheer me up. Part of me wants to just tear into Leia. Send her a real nastygram...but if I think about it I don't why I'd do that. She's just sort of there, doesn't do anything.